idea shamelessly ganked from Apiphile, who did this (much better) for Britain here -- http.//apiphile.tumblr.com/post/38158347503/a-guide-to-uk-cities-for-foreign-people
Berlin: not as urban as you’d expect; likely the only European metropolis with high odds of dying in a wild boar attack
Hamburg: hookers, blow, international shipping, and seagull shit
Bremen: mostly just seagull shit
Kiel: practically Scandinavia and as such disturbingly bright and clean, even by German standards
München/Munich: not technically German, since it’s in Bavaria – prepare to smile and wave and not understand a word anyone says; populated largely by rich, pompous fucks
Frankfurt am Main: banks, banks, fucking everywhere; could be mistaken for an American city, seeing as there are honest-to-fuck skyscrapers there; watch out for jumpers in times of economic crisis
Stuttgart: don’t ask natives about their central train station – just don’t
Nürnberg/Nuremberg: known for delicious foods and traumatic historical events alike
Trier: do not breathe too deeply, or precious Roman artefacts will have to be surgically extracted from your lungs
Hannover: entirely non-descript, almost forgot to include it, despite its being in the top 10, size-wise
Köln/Cologne: a good place to be if you’re foreign and/or gay – people are usually too drunk and/or too busy celebrating Karneval to commit any hate crimes
Düsseldorf: Cologne’s ugly, boring, unfriendly cojoined twin
Bielefeld: general consensus is that this place does not exist and is in fact the product of an elaborate government conspiracy (yes, really)
Dortmund: swarming with neo-nazis, do not go there
Essen: easily the most depressing place you’ve even been to; grey, decaying hub of the living hell known as “der Pott” (“Ruhrpott”, “Kohlenpott”, or if you’re fancy, “Rhein-Ruhr Metropolitan Complex”), which includes numerous other charming places of dubious reputation you never want to visit, such as Bochum, Wuppertal, Gelsenkirchen, Bottrop, Duisburg, Castrop-Rauxel, and Herne, to name but a few
Münster: populated by an unholy mixture of hippies and staid, catholic Westphalian farmers, locked in a constant, yet silent, battle of ignoring each other as hard as they can
Magdeburg: the Dortmund of the East, do not go there either
Dresden: be prepared for funny-sounding people pining irrationally for bygone Soviet times and houses that vaguely look like oversized wedding cakes
Palma: capital of Germany’s 17th federal state, Mallorca; bring sandals
this, sadly, is completely accurate...